Am I a bad person if I keep quiet about my political views on social media?

I'd really love to post funny memes and articles on social media supporting my preferred presidential candidate. But, I don't want to be one of those people who post about politics constantly on their newsfeed. My cousin supports the other side and I had to unfollow him because I found the stuff he shared so upsetting. However, my silence feels like support for a certain frothy-haired, ill-tempered candidate, which I'm also not comfortable with. Should I just say "fuck it" and post what I want or should I refrain? I'm torn! 

You are not a bad person for resisting the urge to turning your social media pages into one giant political bumper sticker.

I understand why people feel the need to share articles they're passionate about. You want your friends to enjoy and find value in the same stories and articles you do. But, let's be honest: social media's newsfeed isn't the best place to have nuanced political conversations. It's designed for people who agree with you and enjoy your content. That's what all those thumb's ups and heart icons are for: quick, easy, positive interactions. It's not designed for getting into deep political discussions with your second cousin.

When you talk with someone face-to-face, you have physical cues -- nodding, leaning forward, scrunching a nose, crossing one's arms --  to suss out whether it's a productive discussion. But the internet strips those clues away. The internet is great for a lot of things -- Oscar Isaac gifs, old Triumph the Insult Comic Dog videos, Westworld fan theories on Reddit -- but it's difficult to convey tone. That's why it feels so hostile to post an article you agree with and see it attacked by people with different views in the comments.

Of course if you feel you absolutely must share something, you could always target the message to a specific group of friends in your privacy settings. Yes, you're basically preaching to the choir, but what's the alternative? Exchanging harsh words with an acquaintance from high school who's in the mood to lash out? If you'd rather avoid that kind of interaction, then what other choice to you have? You can unfriend everyone who doesn't share your political views, or target your message to a select group of sympathetic buddies.

Maybe there's a secret Discord group you can join (or create!) where you share these articles and memes with other like-minded people. Or, if you must share something, go old school and email your favorite articles to a select group of friends. Or maybe explore other social media platforms where you can let your political flag fly without attracting boneheads. Read and share your favorite articles and memes on there. Or create a blog where you can post all those articles and memes you want to share.

It's a highly personal decision, so do what feels right. In the old days, you'd have to call your aunt on the telephone to hear her thoughts on politics. Now you just log into an app and her nutty thoughts are pushed in front of your face. Of course it feels weird!  

There isn't an elegant, consequence-free solution to posting political content without limiting your audience. So no, you are not a bad person if you keep quiet about your political views because social isn't the best medium for this kind of interaction for all the reasons I listed.

Does this answer still not sit well? Are you still unsure? Maybe it feels like you aren't being true to yourself. But social media isn't your true self; it's a curated portal into specific parts of your world. It's not you. It will never be you. Once you shift your expectation about what social media is, then maybe the answer will come easier to you.

What do you guys think? Should people feel free to post whatever they want on their pages or should they keep political stuff to a minimum? Tell me in the comments.

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Should I Be Friends with My Ex?

Would Freddy Mercury be friends with his ex? NO!
He'd mount Darth Vader's shoulders and belt out a tune.

 

My boyfriend of three years broke up with me last month and he insists on still being friends. I really miss him so I'm torn. But every time his name pops up on my phone with a silly text about his day, my heart breaks all over again. Am I crazy to want some space from him right now? Or should I push through my discomfort and try to be his friend?

He's being selfish. That’s probably why this all feels so icky, because this need to be friends is about him. It sounds like he’s intent on coming off as the “good guy” here. He probably feels guilty for ending it and is pushing this friendship on you to lessen his guilt.

Two words: FUCK THAT.

Repeat after me: he doesn’t get to dictate your reaction to his decision. He hurt you. It doesn’t do either of you any favors to pretend otherwise. The kinder, more respectful thing for him to do is to let you retreat to your corner and lick your wounds. How are you going to get over him if he’s texting you dumb observations throughout the day? You can’t! Besides, the truth is you aren't in a position to be his friend right now. Your heart needs to heal. In fact, this is one of the few times in life you can unapologetically put your emotional needs first. If you need to roll up in a ball, cry at random commercials, and buy a lot of weird face masks at Sephora as a self-esteem boost, fucking do it.

I strongly suggest you stop talking to him for a while. Like, there should be no communication for at least six months. Possibly up to a year. When seeing his name doesn’t make you want to hurl, that’s a good indication you could potentially resume a friendship.

But even then, for a friendship to work, you both have to be 100% over each other. He could lie naked next to you in a bed and you will have no desire to touch his body. That’s where you two need to be before you even attempt a friendship. In time--I'm talking a year or two at least--you can reconnect to see if there's a friendship there.

For now, protect your heart. You can't be his friend. He ended your relationship, but it's on you to take control of your life from this point on. You decide who you’re friends with. Don’t give him that power just so he can avoid feeling guilty. Because the only one who continues to hurt in this scenario is you.

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Hey Jealousy, Flaky Dudes, and Movie Recs

Sorry to bother you, but I've got a big problem. My boyfriend continues to stay in touch with his ex even though he knows it upsets me. They only dated for five months but I've seen the texts saying he loved her when they were together. We are very happy (apart from him emailing her) but it's tearing me apart. How can I stop the feeling of jealousy?

I don't blame you for feeling jealous! Your dude has an obligation to put your feelings first in this relationship. I think you're totally justified in your jealousy.

As for how to stop being jealous, you have a few options.

1. You can make an effort to get to know her and see that there's no threat there. For all you know, she's a really cool person and you two might hit it off as friends. It's a long shot, but it's an option.

2. The next time he withdraws into a spirited text conversation with the ex, tell him you understand she played a role in his life before you met, but now that you're together, you need him to prioritize your relationship over friendships with former flings. Don't shout. Don't make ultimatums. Just be honest with how this makes you feel and be clear about how you expect him to behave going forward.

Unless he has kids with her or some other strong incentive to be in touch with her, it sounds like he's trying to enjoy the attention of his old flame and enjoy your attention too. It's understandable why he's keeping her around in his inbox, but he should get the message that this behavior's deeply uncool. He's gotta grow up, stop looking for attention from other women, and choose you.

Hi Anna! I've been seeing a guy I met online back in January, and we went on our first date in March and been hanging out since. Well he's been blowing hot and cold. One minute he's really into me and turns the charm on, and the next minute, not so much. The last month he's been lagging and flaky. One minute he will want to see me, and turn around and make plans elsewhere. He'll make plans with me in the same day and five minutes later change his mind. Please help! What's going on with this guy? 

It sounds like this guy is giving you a classic case of mixed signals. As to why he’s doing it, it’s irrelevant. You’re still left feeling the same way after interacting with him: slighted.

I’d stop engaging with him altogether. It sounds like you’re spinning your wheels on someone who doesn’t respect your time. Wherever his head’s at, it’s not with you and that’s all you need to know. Take control and stop agreeing to participate in this messy waste of time. You’ll feel better almost immediately once you decide to disengage, I promise!

I just wanted to say firstly, it was a pleasure reading your book Clearly, I Didn't Think This Through. It was short and sweet (no pun intended) and entertaining. This is a random question, but what are your favorite films?

Thanks so much for dropping a line. I'm happy to hear you liked my book. That's awesome!

As far as my favorite movies, in no particular order:

All the President's Men - I LOVE '70s cinema, but this is one of my favorites about how Nixon's Watergate scandal broke. The visual style, the story, and the stellar acting make it a stand-out. 

The Big Lebowski - I adore most films the Coen Brothers crank out, but this is my all-time favorite of theirs. So many quotable lines! 

High Fidelity - Chicago + record stores + surly John Cusack + wacky Jack Black = heaven.  

2001: A Space Odyssey - A sci-fi classic that absolutely holds up.  

Back to the Future - One of the best movies ever made PERIOD. It has drama, suspense, comedy, and my #1 boo, MJF.  

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - I love the texture of the sets, the sly camera tricks, and the incredible imagination of director Michel Gondry.  

The Watchmen - The opening sequence set to Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A Changin'" is a jaw dropper  

Apollo 13 - I love the story, the acting, the pacing--it's damn near perfect.  

Jurassic Park - An almost flawless film. It falls apart at the end, which is a shame. But it's on the list because I still feel like a kid when I watch it. 

  That's a good start!

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Wassup? Long Time No Talk

Hello! *waves*

Anna here. Since we last talked, a lot has changed.

The first major thing is I'm no longer on the dating scene. I've been rollin' with the same fella for almost four years and we live together in South Philly with our jalapeño plant, Boomer.

Look how goddamn cute we are
(even though my eyes look super beady for some reason)

I still write a ton. Aside from a steady gig writing about food and culture for The Kitchn, I've penned pieces for The Washington Post, The Philadelphia Inquirer, Refinery 29 and more. I also send out a newsletter where I talk about things I adore (TV shows, apps, articles, and makeup) and things I want to kick in the dick (Ben Affleck's forehead, seasonal allergies, Farrah Abraham's entire existence).

Thanks for reading Shmitten Kitten even though it's no longer active. I hope you get some chuckles looking over these posts.

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Where Have All My Guy Friends Gone?

As I'm cruising into my mid-thirties, certain patterns have shifted. For instance, I no longer spend my Saturday nights sweating off my eyeliner dancing with my best friends in a packed club. I've basically turned into a nervous lizard because I can’t eat heavy meals after 8pm. And I don’t stalk my exes on Facebook anymore. There's no point. They're all puffy, balding and look well-fed and happy so what used to feel like a forbidden thrill now feels as exciting as watching a rerun of "Parks & Recreation" while I'm cooking dinner.

But my least favorite trend about growing older is that it is no longer cool for me to hang out with my guy friends one-on-one if they are in a serious relationship. If they have a girlfriend, I'm out. The other stuff I expected. But this, this took me by sad surprise.

Apparently, I missed that entry in my Encyclopedia Britannica

Like a lot of girls, I had a steady stream of guy friends in my twenties. We'd grab beers and gab about well, everything. Work, crazy dates, wild hookups, drama with friends--we'd talk about it all. I've never had brothers, so this is what I imagine it'd feel like. I loved my guy friends.

But as they've each entered long-term relationships, our solo hang time has dwindled rapidly. It's almost like our friendship can't exist if he's close with another woman. It sucks. Over the past few years, my band of brothers has steadily dissolved. Our friendships, which used to be so casual and fun, are pushed aside. It sucks extra hard because I know it isn't this way for his male friends.

"Let's grab a drink, old buddy!" "I can't. I have a girlfriend now."

Now our interactions are limited to hearting Instagrams of his cat and liking his Facebook post about how there's a Game of Thrones beer. That's it. That's what years of friendship has boiled down to. It's pathetic.

Don't get me wrong. I understand why it's happening. I know that kickin' it with women who aren't his girlfriend is not an acceptable way to spend his spare time once he reaches a certain age. And I know that a lot of girlfriends can be threatened by the bond we share. And that sucks. It feels like a wall has been erected, slicing me out of his inner circle. I'm now a relic of his single life, one that doesn't translate to his new reality.

So, yeah, I get it. But, I miss my guy friends. I miss the make-believe family I cobbled together with these loose sibling bonds, which made me feel so rich but now feel hollow.

I'm so emotional about this!!!!! Scott Stapp knows what I'm talking about!

I never thought I'd say this, but I guess having best dude friends is something I need to relegate to my twenties, like rockin' short skirts and wearing pigtails in public. As much as it stings, I've learned to let go. But I mourn the loss in little ways. I'll hover over his name on my phone, debating whether I should try to arrange plans to grab a drink like the old times, but I know our moment has passed. I respect his decision.

Is this just me or have you experienced the same thing? Do certain friendships have a shelf life because your buddy is the opposite sex? Tell me in the comments.

Get The Memo: I Keep My Relationship Offline

Hey guys!

I wrote an essay for the Washington Post about why I keep my relationship offline. In doing research for the piece, I found out that if you post too much about your significant other, people will think you suck. That totally makes sense which is why I don't do it!

Read the article here and let me know what you think. Do you post pics with your boo with two middle fingers in the air not giving a fuck, or do you keep it close to your chest and off your newsfeed? Let me know in the comments.

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I Now Present You With The Official Shmitten Kitten Bad Date Bingo Card

Next time you have a crummy date, refer to this card. Let me know if you get Bingo because, hey, even if you weren't able to score on your date, you could still be a winner.

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Real Talk: Ain't Nuthin' Wrong With Sending Texts From the Toilet

Your man texts you a funny meme from the third page of Imgur or Reddit. You giggle and continue about your day and think nothing of it. Like most text messages, it zips out of your consciousness as soon as you tuck your phone back into your purse.

Maybe if it's an especially compelling text, you'll send a series of emojis back--a pancake next to a crab and a cat with a party hat on, or a martini glass next to the waving and dancing lady. I'm a big fan of the thumbs up next to the smiley face wearing sunglasses because that's how I roll.

But, in all likelihood, I’d imagine that at least 35% of these daytime texts are composed sitting upon a man's most sacred throne: the toilet. In fact, the odds that a man is texting a woman at this very moment from the porcelain confessional are overwhelming. It's more pervasive than outraged tweets about the government shutdown.

For those of you who refuse to accept that nature and technology converge on the regular, you need to get over it. It’s not that big of a deal. You probably didn’t even know he was texting you from the toilet when it was happening. It's a victimless crime, like taking two samples at Costco or tearing the tags off your mattress.

After recently receiving what I know to be several texts from the time squatter, I felt that toilet texting is wildly misunderstood. It's got a bad rep. In fact, I think toilet texting should be viewed as a positive sign in a relationship for a couple of reasons.

1. Time spent at the thunderdome is a sacred time for people. It’s when a man can let his hair down, escape from life's stressors, catch up on his Facebook feed and maybe play a few rounds of Words With Friends. It’s a time of meditation and self-centering. If your man is taking the time out of his daily 2:00 PM meeting to drop you a line while he's dropping a deuce, he probably likes you.

2. It means that your beau doesn't take himself too seriously. Maybe I’m just foul-minded and hopeless, but I don’t mind a man who can laugh at himself, especially when his pants are around his ankles. It evens the playing field for women like me, all of whom are prone to fits of inappropriateness and the giggles.

3. It’s funny when your man leaves the room for fifteen minutes and starts texting you from across the house. That’s a toilet text and the fact that he’s not ashamed of it is good fucking news to me. I can always use a good meme and a guy who can make me laugh. But, gentlemen, if you think that your woman hasn't done it too, you’re fucking kidding yourself.

Toilet texting is one of the joys of living in 2013. So next time you hear someone cracking up in the can, know that he's 'avin' a laff in the loo on his mobile while he takes a wee (that's British!).

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