Break Up Extravaganza: Dumper Directives

Okay, here's something else I need to get off my chest: I'm almost NEVER the dumper. Our own Miss K apparently has that title on lockdown, but I am more likely to be the dumpee. What this means is, I can give all you fine ladies and gents a breakdown of what I think should be the Rules for the Dumper. Let's do this:

1. Do not dump someone via the Internet. Yes, I know, I'm a little sensitive about this one, but hear me out. If you've been dating someone long enough to call it an exclusive relationship you owe it to them to give them more than an email. Or a Twitter update. Or, god forbid, a passive aggressive status change on Facebook/MySpace. Your soon-to-be ex deserves more than some words on a screen. Be fair.

2. Try to avoid text message break ups and the phone, too. I know, now I'm just getting downright picky, but come on. Isn't face to face really the best medium for a conversation like this? A text message is just childish, and a phone call is impersonal. Suck it up and make a date to talk. Preferably at one of your homes. Because, the last thing anyone wants is to try to hold back tears over a grilled cheese at the Royal Tavern. Also, I don't want you to spoil my grilled cheese. I love that grilled cheese.

3. When your soon-to-be ex asks you if, "this is what you really want?" Say yes. I don't care if it's going to make her cry, I don't care if maybe you're not entirely sure that it's what you want, I don't care. Say, "Yes." Just do it. In the end, it'll make it easier for everyone. I know it's not easy to be on your side of this either, but you're just going to have to play the bad guy here. Deal with it, Champ.

4. Like good tofu, be kind, but firm. If your ex is anything like me, she's going to get drunk and sad and lonely and she's going to text you. Or call you. Or email you. Please, for her sake, don't berate her! She's just going through the gamut of emotions one goes through post-breakup and she already feels like shit. She doesn't need you telling her she's crazy, it's not going to make her suddenly snap out of it, etc. Just let her be.

Ignore her calls; yes, all 20 of them. Compose a brief response telling her you're sorry she's not doing well and that you hope she feels better soon. Maybe even suggest she get in touch with a good friend instead. But, do not tell her you wish things could be different, that you still think she's fantastic, or that you miss her too, even if those things are true. It'll just delay her recovery.

5. Don't push the friends card. So, you wanna be friends? That's great! We're really glad you acknowledge that your ex was in your life because, you know, you liked her. But give it some time. You see, you were the one who broke up with her and that means you already knew you didn't want to be with her when you broke it off. Which means that you were prepared. Which means you're more removed from this emotionally than she is.

Which means, dude, she doesn't want to be your friend right now. If she says she does, it's because she thinks being your friend will win her back your love. You and I both know it won't. So let it be. Once she comes to terms with things (i.e. bones another dude) she'll extend her friendship. And if she doesn't, well, you're the guy who dumped her, so you gotta deal. Sorry, Charlie. Thems the breaks.