Bonerkiller: Guys That Buy Season Passes to Amusement Parks

It's one thing if you go to Six Flags as a one-off day trip because it's the first warm day of the year and your Coke can gave you $10 off the admission price, but guys who buy season passes to amusement parks are totally bonkers. Do they really enjoy standing in lines that much? Is the idea of winning a scratchy, shoddily made, over-sized stuffed animal that alluring to them? I guess eating terrible, overpriced food and mingling with the general public is a draw?

These baggy jorts-wearing Peter Pans live for the thrill of a two minute roller coaster ride, happily waiting over two hours in line for their turn. And, they get pumped when a ride involves a flume and splashes water on them. They genuinely get excited if a ride has a series of medical warnings before you board it. If you looked in their shitshow of a bedroom, you'd find at least two airbrushed t-shirts (which they wear down at the shore too) and a drawn caricature of them--framed!

The only plus side about these baby-men is that they have iron stomachs. They can jam on a funnel cake, a corn dog, wash it down with a frozen lemonade and ten seconds later, they're ready to ride the Great American Scream Machine. That's the name of an actual ride. We looked it up.