Things I've Lost: My Cool

Hey guys! Sorry to bug y'all, but I've misplaced my cool. I've looked under all my couch cushions, under my bed, and combed my car, but I've clearly lost my cool. I swear that I just had it, but ever since I ran into a hot guy at my friend's wedding, I can't seem to find it. I know it's missing because:

• After introducing myself to this dashing gent, I immediately asked if he, "had a girlfriend or what." At least no one could accuse me of not cutting to the chase. *tugs collar*
  

• When he said that the didn't have a girlfriend, I asked him to dance. We slow danced to "Careless Whisper." As he looked into my eyes and smiled, I squeezed the shoulder pad on his blazer then made an awkward joke about it. What was I thinking? Who does that?
  

• After our magical dance, he asked if I wanted to step outside and have a cigarette with him. I agreed even though I don't smoke. I pretended to inhale but it was totally obvious that I'm not a smoker. Who pretends to smoke? That's so weird!
  

• After he asked me a few general questions about my background, I blurted out that I was unable to pay attention to anything he was saying because he was so handsome. Who says that? Our conversation deteriorated after that, surprise surprise.
  

• And, then, the worst part of all, I tracked him down and ADDED HIM ON FACEBOOK THE NEXT DAY. I AM SUCH A CREEP! It was like an out-of-body experience, watching myself crash and burn so hard. My eager friend request exposed my desperation. I was a self-saboteur of the highest order; I could've written a book called Self-Sabotage for Dummies because I was rapidly becoming an expert. I have never, I repeat, NEVER done the day-after friend request. Just as that guy blamed the sun for why he killed the Arab in Camus' The Stranger, I'm going to blame this guy's luminescent smile for my straight-up insane behavior.
  

• And, if I hadn't embarrassed myself enough, I waited two days and then I emailed him asking him out for a drink. Those with a heart condition might want to take a deep breath before they read the rest of this sentence as this might come as a terrible shock, but he has not responded to my emailed drink invitation.
  

I was like a dog at a cocktail party following him around and humping his leg. You know how Cassandra from Wayne's World learned English from watching the Police Academy movies? It's like I had learned how to date solely from watching Sleeping With The Enemy.

Please, if anyone has seen my cool, could you just return it? No questions asked. Girl Scout's honor.