Bonerkiller: You're A Total Flake

When we first met, I wasn’t the least bit interested. In fact, you barely registered as a blip on my Dude-dar. But, one day everything changed. You sent me signals I couldn’t ignore. You got a hold of me and I was hooked. I was super surprised at how eagerly I screeched, “YES!” when you asked me out on a date. I don’t know how you did it, but you somehow convinced me that I’d be doing the world an injustice if I turned you down.

So, imagine my disappointment when you canceled. One time is no big deal, stuff happens, sure. But when it started to happen more frequently, I realized that this "date" may just be a myth. You must not have asked me out, you must have been pretending to ask me out because you’re flaking on me like dandruff off a teenage Dungeons & Dragons enthusiast. You’re constantly making and breaking plans with me, and I'm tricked by your eagerness to reschedule every time.

Now that I am determined to hang out with you, your extreme signs of interest are beginning to dissipate. What was once near hot and heavy is now cool and casual. "I’m not gonna give up," I tell myself, "oh no, not this time." Your unattainability is now a personal challenge. I'm like Wayne Campbell marveling at that white guitar in the store window: "You will be mine. Oh yes. One day, you will be mine."

I blast you with charm and come-hither stares and you send back an order of “Wassup” with a side of a fist pound. I am jumping through hoops for a crumb of your attention. Not only am I beginning to feel like a texting maniac, I now know your number by heart from staring at it so much.

Listen, buddy, I am going to great lengths to finish something that you started! Damn son, you are making me work and you’re giving me zilch in return. Around the one hundredth time you “forget” to call/get out of work too late/ aren’t feeling well/ have a buddy in town/ (insert lame-o excuse here), I realize it might be best if our those plans we had stay hypothetical. Hanging out with you doesn’t seem worth it. Maybe you never even wanted my company in the first place. Maybe you celebrate April Fool’s Day every day. Who knows? You’ve lost your chance, Mr. Flaky McFlakerson. Unfortunately for you, playing too hard to get just got you nada.