Unearthed: A Break-up Letter I Received In College

Some background about this letter: I met this awkward Romeo at a party in my friend's dorm room. He was my buddy's upstairs neighbor and we were both sophomores in college. He was a filmmaker, which impressed me. He also wore glasses, which I liked. We hit it off immediately. We went back to his place (upstairs) where he promised to take me to film festivals. In turn, I promised to take him to punk shows. We kissed about that. Then, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Ecstatically, I said yes. I ran into him at my friend's dorm room the next day and he gave me this letter handwritten on his personal stationary:

Dear Anna,

Thank you for being a friend to me. I'm a better person for now knowing you. This letter is my attempt at letting you know how I feel about you, myself, and my position in the cosmos. When I asked you if you would by my girlfriend, I was asking in an honest and completely well-intended way. At that moment, being there for each other seemed like the best idea in the world.

Now, I feel uncomfortable being anyone's boyfriend. [Ed. note- This was literally 24 hours after he asked me and before we even had a proper date!] While monogamy does not scare me, commitment and the relationship aspect of boy and girlfriend status do. [Ed. note- Then why did he even ask me to be his girlfriend in the first place?]

I hope you understand that I cannot be your boyfriend but, and I hope this honest letter fosters it, I can be your friend. And I want to be your friend. So punk shows and indie film festivals, here we come. Please write or call back with your feelings and/or thoughts. I want what is best for both of us.

Take care,
Homeboy
212-555-1234
123 Carmen Hall.
1000 Amsterdam Ave.
NY, NY 10027
email@college.edu

A few notes:

1. After laughing in his face, I reassured him that we didn't need to be in a relationship. I asked if he just wanted to hang out and date. He said no. I stopped laughing. Then, I just frowned.
2. He had to invoke the cosmos? Really?
3. He included ALL of his contact information in the break up letter. Keep in mind, I knew exactly where he lived; exactly one floor above my friend. What, was I gonna send him a postcard? A cookie bouquet? Why on earth did I need his address?
4. The main questions here are why did he ask me to be his girlfriend if he didn't want one in the first place? And, was he just carrying this letter around campus in case he happened to bump into me? Was he breaking up with a bunch of girls with my name so he made sure to always have one on his person? So weird!
   

Epilogue:
Despite his plea to maintain a friendship in the letter, he went out of his way to avoid interacting with me for close to three years, which sucked because we had a ton of friends in common. After college, when we all loosened up in our little ways, I ran into him at my friend's house. He seemed happy to see me so I confronted him about why he was such a freak. "Anna, I have to say, I was terrified of women in college. I really had no idea what the hell I was doing. I'm sorry."

With that, all awkwardness evaporated. We hugged. And laughed about it. I told him I still have his break up letter and he blushed very hard. He still makes films and is one of the funniest people I've met. We danced together at my friend's wedding two years ago. And, I think he follows me on Twitter now.

The end.