Bonerkiller: Moldy Oldies

After complaining for the millionth time about how the latest guy has let us down in some stupid way, we decided that we should try and date older guys. How old? Like 40ish. They'd be more stable. They could afford to take us out to nice dinners, they drive nice cars, and they have nice homes. They'd be, well, nice.

We tried to keep an open mind--which we're terrible at--and dipped our toe in an older, more mature dating pool. Hey, we've read an issue of AARP magazine. Once. On an airplane. Well, we just looked at the table of contents, but whatever.

The verdict? It freakin' suuuuucks. We hate dating old dudes. For one thing, old guys all have rough, leathery hands. It's like holding hands with the crocodile in the Lubiderm commercials. Why are they so leathery? What kind of fieldwork do they do on their free time? And, they have clunky metal watches that look they they'll catch on our hair if they--God forbid--tried to make a move.

They all are pop culture illiterate and have without a doubt never heard of our favorite band or seen our favorite movie. Asking us what "kind" of music that we liked tipped us off to that. Oh, and they all say that they hate country and rap, but they like everything else but "everything else" just means Sheryl Crow and Bob Dylan.

And, they'll take our date superseriously and wear the stupidest clothes, like khakis or baggy designer denim. It's not hot! Don't they know that a pair of black jeans and Chuck Taylors would go over roughly a million times better? They'll have no idea where to take us for a cheap brunch and we'll have, like, no friends in common. When we do take them out to our favorite bar, they'll marvel at how we know everyone there. Of course we know everyone here! You saying that is just reminding us that you don't know anyone and that bums us out because you are lame. They won't stay out later than 11:30pm on weekends and if they do, they'll start yawning like crazy every two minutes as if they were a goddamn newborn baby.

And, can we talk about how his text messages are the worst? He'll use emoticons freely with no sense of discretion. The only time we seriously considered killing ourselves is when a 40 year-old suitor texted us about how his golf game went, then the letters "ttyl" followed by a smiley face emoticon. Gag!

Hey moldy oldies, we're not interested in dating you. No free meal on the planet is worth this much hassle. After about twenty minutes into our date as we listen to you rattle on about your stock portfolio, we're gonna throw ourselves at our waiter when you leave to pee because while he may not be able to afford this meal we're sharing, we have a feeling that he'd be better company.