Dear Shmitten Kitten: When Can I Check Out His Check Out?

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

Say, after going on some dates with a guy who is vibing you pretty hard, he falls off the face of the earth and stops contacting you. (I call this "the other Philly Special.")  Is it okay to call him on it and ask him what's up?  I don't wanna come across like a crazy female here, but I'd like to know what happened!  What do you think?

Signed,
Sick of Lame Boys

Holy moly, this is a great question. First, you came to the right place because this happens to us weekly. We know how every bone in your body wants to know the answer. Was it something you did? Was it something he did? Where did he go? Did he forget how to dial a phone? Is he rolling around in an oak tree making E.L. Fudge cookies with the other Keebler elves? Well, I have an unsexy answer to your sexy question: it depends.

The longer it's been since this happened, the greater your chances are of finding out what his deal was. If this happened two years ago, he will probably have the clarity to tell you exactly what happened. If this happened last week, chances are, he's still in the middle of figuring out whatever the hell his problem is. But, you can't force it. It has to happen naturally, like you run into him at a bar or at a party and then you can confront him about it. If you call him up and demand an answer, well, good luck with that. 

Personally, when a guy peaces out on me, I naturally assume that he developed a severe digestion problem which is causing him to let off the meanest, smelliest, and just downright insensitive farts and he couldn't bear the thought of me being around that. At least, that's the story I tell myself. It makes me feel better, like a fart-y fable. Then, I picture him farting up the room until it smells like a Bombay bazaar in the dog days of summer. Gross, right? *gag* I'm gonna assume that this fart theory is what happened until he tells me something different. And, who wants to date a frequent, flagrant farter? Not me!!