Things I'm Terrible At: Writing Short Emails To Guys I Like

For some reason, I am physically unable to keep emails under 500 words when I am writing an email to a guy I like. Essentially, I ramble on like Led Zeppelin.

My email is lovingly crafted with all sorts of literary devices sprinkled throughout. I write paragraphs with thematic sentences. I use exclamation points. It's the written equivalent of twirling my hair, batting my eyelashes and doing a tap dance routine. 

It's embarrassing because his emails will convey the minimal amount of information possible. He won't even use proper punctuation. No words are capitalized. His email is basically an electronic grunt. That makes me nervous. And, when I get nervous, I overcompensate which means I write even longer emails in an effort to connect with him.

By the end of the whole exchange if you compare our emails side by side, I've written The Infinite Jest and he's written less text than would appear on a standard greeting card. It's fucktarded.