Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "So, I Googled You"

I think it would be best for all parties involved if you refrained from Googling my name before our first date. I know it's tempting because you're bored at work and it's natural to have some amount of curiosity about the person you've committed to hanging out with for an evening. But, I don't think you should. In fact, I would prefer if you didn't.

Because really, this is a lose/lose situation for you. What if you find out something super-embarrassing about me, like that I'm a huge Mallpunk fan or that I still have a Friendster account? (Confession: I haven't checked it in over three years and I totally forgot to delete it but still, I have one.) Then, all the excitement about our first date has been replaced with concerns about my mental health because I still have an active Friendster account. (I swear, I'm going to delete it as soon as I'm done with this post!)

Or, if you find out something amazingly rad about me, like that I attended Space Camp in eighth grade, you can't really bring it up without admitting that you found out by doing some light investigative work. You've painted yourself into a corner, my friend.

If you MUST Google me, then please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, don't announce it as soon as there is a lull in our conversation. It's like admitting that you rifled through my trash. I'll play it off like it's not a big deal, but secretly I'll think, "Why did he just tell me that?" It's not a full-on stalker thing to do, but if it were on the color-coded terror alert system, it'd be a blue. It's not a major offense, but admitting it to me still registers as a color. Unless, it was your goal to make me uncomfortable on our first date. Then, by all means, divulge away.

Listen up, all you amateur gumshoes out there, just show up to our date looking good, smelling good, and with a healthy dose of obliviousness as to who I am and what I do. Is that too much to ask?