Oh No He Di'int Try To Wear THAT To Meet My Parents

Remember our first date? Remember how adorable you looked in your cute plaid button-down shirt and wrinkled jeans? You were a master of messy detachment. I was not only charmed by your sweet talking but also by your Pig-Pen-goes-hipster style. Bravo.

So tell me, what happened? I laughed when you came down the stairs just now because I thought this was like the time you walked in with no pants on and said you were ready to go out but your pants weren't feeling up to it. But you're not laughing with me.

Yes, I see those are your beloved jeans, the ones you wore on our first date despite looking like they hadn't been washed since The Simpsons were funny (1989). But something is different. Do I spy floral patchwork? Oh, your mom decided to patch them up with flower print fabric? Great. I also love that you decided to run with the botanic theme by donning a paisley shirt I've definitely never seen before. Your mom got that for you too? Awesome. And I'm not even going to comment on the square-toed leather shoes.

Don't get me wrong, the outfit looks great on you but I think it might look best shoved into a plastic bag and sold at Party City along with a rainbow afro wig and purple-tinted specs. The floral explosion on your clothing might look pretty dope whipping around beneath the disco ball at a '70s costume party. But, I'm fairly certain my parents won't appreciate the irony of this outfit (if irony is even what you're going for here--is it parody?) All I can envision is my mom in stunned silence and my dad asking how you got the day off from your gig as the star of Hair.

I will say though, the one upside of your tribute to Mother Earth is that it completely distracts from the fact that you bear a striking resemblance to Macaulay Culkin's mug shot right now. I wish I could blame this outfit on you still being drunk from last night, but judging by the pride in your sleepy, swollen face, you've been planning this one for a while now. I don't have the heart to say any of this to you because you're just so adorably clueless right now. So instead I'll give you the "seriously?" look and wait for you to trudge back upstairs and put on your favorite plaid shirt. Thatta boy.