Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Crusty Tube of Toothpaste

I'm not sure if there's some secret boys' meeting where they pass out these dank toothpaste tubes to everyone with a Y chromosome, but it's alarming how often I've come across them. I'm not sure if this toothpaste tube went out drinking last night or what, but it has a serious case of cottonmouth going on. It's so crusty and dehydrated, it looks like an Ishtar extra.

It's clear that this is a communal tube. You can tell because of how haggard it looks. Honestly, it looks like a topographical study of the kid in Mask's face. Maybe a mouse uses it as a punching bag? Maybe it was in crash test dummy's pocket? Who knows? I have no clue why it's so mangled. It has more dents in it than Dom DeLuise's ass! 

Of course, it always has a twist-off cap, which is the Monopoly game piece of his bathroom; it somehow manages to get lost pretty much within 30 seconds of me touching it. Not to sound like a diva, but is it too much to ask for a flip-top cap? And, does the flavor always have to be an unappetizing flavor of pasty chalk? Can you throw me a toothpaste bone and opt for a Vanilla Mint or a Crystal Wintermint? And, it doesn't instill confidence that the ingredients are listed in Spanish. Did you fish this out of a Chinatown dumpter or did you go to an actual store and pay for this with American cash?

If I have to brush with it, I put the tiniest smudge on the outermost bristle and try to repress my gag reflex as I smear it on my teeth. Regardless, somehow my breath manages to smell worse after I've used it. I'm telling you, this toothpaste fails at the only job it has! I'm like Donald Trump at the board room: "toothpaste, you're fired!" I'm hovering over the sink yelling at a crusty tube of Crest and that just makes me sad.