Bonerkiller: Nervous Nailbiters

Oh Lordy, what have you done. Your fingers look like salted slugs that got smacked in the face with sandpaper. Get your hands out of your mouth! Every time I look over, you're chewing away on your middle finger like you're snapping into a Slim-Jim. 

The only acceptable times to bite your nails are:

• during a suspenseful scene in an action movie
• if you are at the Oscars wearing a tux, waiting to find out if you won the Academy Award for best director
• if you have a hangnail and aren't near an emery board

That's it! Those are the only times! Dude, stop fiddling with your fingers. Put them away. Sit on them, if you must. Get a grip (on something else besides your teeth.) Watching you nervously nibble on your cuticles while trying to have a conversation with me is a total bonerkiller. It's just gross.