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| Six from Blossom. Get it? |
You know how they have that thing where
you have to tell a complete story in six words? We thought it'd be funny if we told a story about our worst dates in six words. Here, let us start:
Short in height, mean to waiter.
Fought about politics. The entire time.
Lived at home with his parents.
Was so nervous he got drunk.
Loved his iPhone more than me.
Wow! His ex-girlfriend sounds super bitchy.
Square-toed black shoes, unbelievably sweaty dancer.
And, those were all different dudes! What are yours? Leave 'em in the comments.
187 comments:
Barrel chested, lewd, poker cards shirt.
New sweater. Gay friend. Sangria vomit.
HAHA, Amanda!
Borderline personality, gluten-free... But boring.
Carried a gun. In his pants.
Made inappropriate advances over and over.
Looks = Lenin. Canceled from psych ward.
Touched my feet against my will.
Suggest Hard Rock Cafe for drinks.
Always made me go to Denny's.
shitty stick shift driver. sore neck.
Wouldn't give real name. "Too notable".
Under car: neons, flashed with music.
Wouldn't make eye contact. Smelled weird.
Made me sit in the backseat.
Blinked one eye at a time.
Went to Venice. Brought me keychain.
belly button piercing. belly button piercing....
Mopped up beer with his sock (thanks for reminding me, Courtney!)
He did a pee pee dance.
Non-drinker. Paid for his Coke only.
Light washed jeans, leather braided belt.
Did you come yet? No? Jesus!
Made me pay for every meal.
catholic: said i'd go to hell.
Dad called, she handed me phone.
two drink minimum. he ordered o'doules
porn addict obsessed with shaved girls.
Drove me home. Leather, heated seats.
Fucked up teeth. Online pictures lied.
talked about marriage and having kids
Stinky The Tornado Kisser farted lots
You forgot to mention you're married.
Oh wait, you like boys too?
left me alone in a thunderstorm.
the pig ate all my oreos.
That's a lot of yellow there.
"He's noticed me; you can leave."
Answered a call from her fiance.
The fish still had it's head
or:
Passed out drunk before dinner arrived.
Plastered when I picked him up.
or
He didn't *look* twice my age . . .
Exited bathroom naked, started discussing anal.
Asked for my friend's phone number
Called me 12x the next day
Talked about "chicks with acoustic guitars"
Really just wanted my friend's number.
He invited. Coffee. Didn't buy ($1.25!).
Viciously attacked all his "psycho exes".
He had no teeth at all.
Brought friend. Flirted with other girls.
"Officer, I'm the one who called."
"I discussed you with my pastor."
Used me for free products
Went for coffee. Needed a shot.
or
Dinner: Forgot Wallet. After: Bought Album.
or
Talked about Ex. The Whole time.
Hey wants wrong with liking boys too, this is 2010!
didn't like ANYTHING on drink menu.
Just want "physical intimacy"? Say "fuckbuddy."
or
Threatened "steamroller." 200 lb difference. Run!
Ed Hardy, danced like male stripper
Stutter from ecstasy hangover; girlfriend called.
Only had five bucks on him.
Threw up in cab. 3 beers.
or
Bought two other girls drinks.
Wiccan. Tarot Cards. "Let" me pay.
Dirty shoes on my coffee table.
A virgin who I accidentally married.
Date? Oh right, you totally flaked.
Was just looking for a wife.
Anarchists don't really like government employees.
Are you gonna talk about feelings?
He invited along his ex girlfriend.
Took me to the university cafeteria.
Waitress smiled pleasantly; date threw fit.
Drank one beer; scary personality change.
Story: "Attacked 6'6" ex-husband, did time. "
Tried to steal my climbing gear.
Made me want witness protection program.
(all the same girl, and date, btw)
She wanted to eat at Applebee's.
hid me when suicidial exgirlfriend arrived
"No, Miley Cyrus is HOT"
Sex as a pre-requisite to dating.
Lived with his parents. Adderall addict.
Yin yang necklace. Serious about it.
First date: invited me to mom's.
Kicked me out in a blizzard.
Blind date. Big Mole. Kohl's cartboy.
Burped in middle of kissing. Gross.
Only spoke to order his coffee.
He ate pot brownies. I didn't.
"i only fuck to nick cave."
11 years older, lived with ex
Mashed up teeth. Asked for kiss.
Ex called: "Let's just be friends."
or
Three months, dumped via silent treatment.
After hookup, accused of check fraud
Made fun of pastels. Wearing babyblue.
Nearly shot by brother with crossbow.
Dumped me.Valentine's Day. Before dinner
Admitted he fantasized about his mom.
Mouth breather heard from across table.
Never alone. Drank Malibu. Horse laugh.
Asked me to wash his shoes.
Birthday dumped. Cancelled reservations they made.
Spilled full pint. On my lap.
Working- couldn't answer, therefore a bitch
It was a long date:
I
Drank 3 bottles of wine solo.
II
Confessed undying love for his ex
III
Out to dinner, pooped his pants
Six words about six different guys:
1) Faked migraine in order to leave.
2) Bragged about oral abilities on first date.
3) Asked for marriage on second date.
4) Unable to look me in the eye.
5) Lectured about weight loss before sex.
6) Lived with his mother in New Jersey.
He smelled like a dog's asshole.
Answered his phone, was another girl.
"I don't think reading's important babe."
"I honestly really like Star Wars Episode One"
Made unsettling remarks about my boobs.
*Now that I think about it, this was all the same dude. Womp wommmmmp.
Whoops, I meant to say "I like Star Wars Episode One" for the second one.
Oh, you are ACTUALLY a Nazi.
Tattoo on back, another guys name.
Discussed her imminent return to Japan.
the guy peed in my hamper.
pinched my cheek. repeatedly, without irony.
1)she weeped, "I have no friends!"
2)she kidnapped me twice, same date.
He told me he has herpes.
I said "stop." He never listened.
Dumbass tried to get me drunk.
JDate JDate JDate JDate JDate JDate
Visited haunted forest. He was scarier.
arrived drunk, didn't pay for dinner
Eyebrow piercing appeared recent. It wasn't.
Fucked first date, became shitty relationship.
Flashed gun. Then pitched me Amway.
Jean skirt to five star restaurant
Various Bad Dates:
Texted his friends girlfriend, entire date.
Mentioned how he saw her tits.
------------------------------
Still lives with mom, he's 30.
Got drunk pretended to be gay.
------------------------------
Found out he had a "girlfriend"
Wouldn't look my in the eyes.
Made sexual advances totally uncalled for
--------------------------------
Awkward kiss goodnight, puppy breath.
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Tried to fuck me, first date.
-----------------------------
I could keep going, never ending list.
Tried to eat Buffalo wings seductively.
Erectile Dysfunction. Every time. 'Nuff said.
Heard exes name more than mine.
Described feces, in detail, at dinner.
Fell off a ski lift. Embarassing.
At food court:
See now?! I take you places!
Oh man....it scares me how many friends I know have posted now because of just six little words they posted about a bad date. Amazing, but a little sad. My awesome lady friends deserve better. Way better.
Pool table: His balls, corner pocket.
Surprised she hadn't been carrying cheese.
puked on my carpet. denied it.
got snowed in, wanted him out.
Anarchist, Freegan, Squatter, Made me pay.
She took off shoes. Foot odor.
made me walk with knee injury
same guy: made me cry on my birthday
She was in a gang, seriously.
Parents proactively removed his bedroom door.
aka
skipping his meds wasn't worth it.
a few more winners!
- his religion was "world of warcraft".
- he talked about boning sailor moon.
- he hated the beatles. enough said.
Butt play without my prior authorization.
four hour brunch - never looking back!
That shit's funny. Glad I'm single
Harvard grad. I cried in whiskey.
He loves me. I love another.
Not true love. A true fuck.
Swordfish. Jamie Lidell. A terrified friend.
So nice to meet your girlfriend.
Smoked pot together, got way paranoid.
Alpha dog mom, cord still attached.
barbeque sauce, stuffed animal in pockets.
said tomatoes toxic, ketchup on vegburger
Barely spoke English, made me pay.
Asked to be "boyfriend" 1st date.
insisted on tarot card reading first
Started at her amateur dance recital.
A.) Ordered "mozz" sticks, I hate cheese!
B.) Picked him up in the ghetto.
C.) Had a black tooth, smiled frequently.
...A and C were the same person...scary.
passed out while riding his bike.
is taking anger management classes. republican.
All different dudes/ladies:
My name's Alex, not "Sweetheart."
Took me to Olive Garden, sincerely.
Her sorority formal. I threw up.
Talked about herself, then fell asleep.
Used N'Sync to "pump himself up"
wouldnt touch him, so touched himself
Don't worry. The needles were clean.
Don't worry. The needles were clean.
1. Quilted jean vest with leather tassels.
2. Tried to sniff my pants. Caught.
3. Suddenly whipped it out. First date.
4a. Boat broke down middle of river.
4b. Cover ex-wifes name tattoo with unicorn.
4c. Got pulled over by coast guard.
5. Had a RUSH tattoo. On purpose.
6. Woke. "You're out of toilet paper"
7. His laugh sounded just like Mutley.
7a. Showed up in inside out sweatpants.
7b. 25 my ass! More like 45.
I think you forgot a few:
1b. Generic cheesepuffs, 3 liter Mountain Splash.
1c. Sent obscene photo to future husband.
8. Email subject 'My Toe Hurts.' Dumped.
I guess I did forget a few! Ha ha, we should write a book!
1a. Forced me to wear his jacket.
1b. Weird underground art show. Fire dancers.
2a. Shower curtains: clear plastic, cartoon steaks.
2b. Me: 18. Him: 28. He lied.
2c. He lived in a trailer park.
3a. Made me meet his other fuckbuddies.
3b. Loudest orgasm ever. Screamed my name.
3c. Stole jelly packets from the diner.
3d. Also stole the maple syrup bottle.
3e. Chain smoked wide Camel menthol cigarettes.
3f. One-sleeved shirt: "Kiss me, I'm Romanian."
Talked about prettier girls he'd fucked.
Straight edge young republican had braces.
took me on a drug deal.
OMG, that happened to me too! I totally forgot all about it because it was YEARS ago. TOO FUNNY!
his tattoos: jersey state, "trashy slut"
"wanna get 40's and watch a movie"
Discovered we were related.
ran out of our moving taxi
- Suzy
1. Sex before dinner? I think not.
2. Confessed sexual desire for blood, gore.
3.a. Attempted first kiss waiting for Subway.
3.b. Saw Miami Vice, better than conversation.
4. Career Choice: Shop Rite Night Manager
My mom has the same underwear.
Matthew, will you be my boyfriend? (First make out session)
Third date,third D.U.I.
My birthday. His ex(?)'s birthday party.
Left me @ [his] parents. Went to stripclub.
nothing in common, car got towed
She farted. Loud. Just before intermission.
Bible hugging freak. Really big dong.
"Apologized profusely for sweating so much." (Quote from a friend)
Had cried when Michael Jackson died.
Raped my face. Still have flashbacks.
I was your first kiss? Oh.
Saw "Speed Racer," contemplated faking seizure.
I'm hungover, she's deaf. Literally. Deaf.
First date...
Do you like anal?
Don't even need to use all five words!
1) Forced me to explain subprime crisis.
2) Fingers smelled like teeth & vice versa.
3) Communist atheist saying "JEEEESUS" during blowjob.
(all different dates...)
Boner on the beach, families everywhere.
1) married racist overweight broke ass
2) arrested for starting a bar brawl (and he STILL wanted to finish the date after he got bailed out)
3) surprise visit from his extended family (they mistook me as his fiance who he broke up with the week before)
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