Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Teensy, Tiny Kitchen

Oh my god, how do you cook anything in here? It's like trying to cook a meal in a dollhouse. Your kitchen is small, narrow, and uncomfortable, like a Chinese finger trap. Two people can't even fit in it at once. We all have to take turns like we're waiting in line at a deli.

The "stove" is little more than a hotpot with a door which burns everything we try to bake in it. Since the one square foot of countertop space has a coffee maker, toaster, and a dishwasher rack piled on it, there is literally nowhere to prepare food. What is the point of this kitchen if you can't even prepare food in it? It's failing at the one thing it's supposed to do!

If I try to grab a beer from the fridge, I end up having to say "excuse me" or "sorry" a minimum of three times because I keep banging into you. It's like a mosh pit every time I want another High Life. It's madness.

This small kitchen is a drag because we will never be able to prepare a meal together. We'll never be able to put on my iPod and dance to Motown music while the pasta is cooking. And, we'll never be able to do that thing where you are making tomato sauce and you put a bit on the spoon and ask me to taste it to see if you need to adjust the seasoning. And, that just makes me sad.