Lately, I've been receiving a lot of stupid texts. I mean, they're just downright brain dead. They're so retarded that I keep looking at the screen because I can't believe that something so inane was coded into a laser beam, sent up to space, reflected off a satellite, and beamed back down to my phone. Here a few of my most recent worst offenders:
Him: "I've been meaning to ask, did you send me anonymous sexy pics via Craigslist two years ago?"
Me: "Um, no."
After I queued up Shaggy's video for "It Wasn't Me," I mouthed "WTF?" for a good minute. This text exchange probably deserves its own post.
Me: "What are you up to?"
Him: "Porn"
Me: "Watching it or starring in it?"
WHY IS THIS GUY TEXTING ME ABOUT PORN AT ALL! Gross.
Him: "Durrrrrrr"I showed you mine, now you show me yours. Post 'em in the comments, por favor. It's like our own version of Texts From Last Night!
Him: "Heyyyyyy"
Him: "Yo"
Me: "It's like you are physically unable to text me a noun."
19 comments:
This came from a guy that I "dated" for a hot second in college.
Me: Hey, what are you up to tonight?
Him: Stop bothering me. We are not together. Leave me alone.
Um, okay...
him: i just don't think i can see you right now.
did i just get dumped in a text message circa 2003? YES.
and let me also just say that we had been dating for a few months at this point. MONTHS. oh and i got the text during physics class while i sat next to his neighbor/friend.
idiots.
texting a boy about meeting someone that looked like him (twin).
Me: i met your twin.
him: no way, i’m one off
Me: i know! but the resemblance is uncanny!
Him: he must be one good lookin’ fella
Me: yeah i guess so…but one of y’all is better and better lookin
Him: thanks for the vote of confidence. always stick with the original.
Me: well i’ll compare next time i see him. but apparently i should stick with the original aka hotter version
Him: yeah. I got a bigger d*ck too.
me: hey im really drunk in the cab, what are you doing after work?
me: if you want to come over that'd be rad
him: why do you have to cry all the time? i dont get it
me: uh, what?
----
didnt get a reply after that ever! going to the bar after that was super awkward. he never said anything. we had previous really good dates like dinner and movie, going out for his bday (he was 8 years older than me), getting high and watching old batman movies. its cool that it didnt work out, but it bothered me more bc i never found out what the real issue was! i like constructive criticism!
Him: "I want to see u in ur gown."
Me: "And by "gown" you mean what I'm wearing to chaperone the senior prom in?"
He also mentioned on a previous date that he loves how Jersey Shore girls dress at clubs, but he would never date one.
me: So when do I get to see your place?
him: I live on a small, quiet road in the middle of nowhere.
...ok psycho-killer, thanks for the heads up!
Him: How old are you?
Me: Im 25. Yep Im an old fart. You?
Him: 19
Me: Yeah I dont want to sound like a jerk but I cant date 19 year olds.
Him: Oh. If it makes you feel better I've dated girls your age before
Me: Thats great but I've drawn a line and I just cant cross it. Sorry Im a douche.
Awkward indeed.
Also if any guy uses LOL I instantly cringe. I just imagine him saying it in a teenage girl voice
Wait, I love the way Jersey Shore girls dress in clubs but I would never date one, what's wrong with that?
They don't wear much clothing at all, you see.
Him: I want to ask you a question and I want you to be honest with me. How many times have you facebook stalked me?
Me: Oh shit.
hahahaa oh my god. the facebook one is golden.
"When you were around I didn't care so much, but now that we haven't been speaking, I miss you."
well, that was sure to win me back. very tactful, as usual.
these arn't the strangest but recently i've gottent the following uncomfortable texts from my brothers girlfriend. the last three read...
-you coming?
-seriously get off ur ass or at least text me back with a valid excuse for ur absense
-we need to talk
wtf
Me: What are you up tonight?
Him: Living the dream.
And from another guy a year after we broke up-
Him: What's up?
i got a text from a chick asking her to save her from a date she was on with another dude.
that was some whack shit. i mean really.....
i was sitting at a bar in the suburbs with a friend. i get a text at about 1:45 am from a girl that the both of us had hooked up with years apart. she lives in the city.
her: hey, what are you up to?
me: im out in the burbs
her: ok
then my friend gets a text from her immediately after.
her: hey, what are you up to?
him: sitting next to _______
her: SHIT
HAHA! That's amazing.
FB & "out in the burbs" are classic!
Fun.nee stuff.
hahahahaa, i love the "out in the burbs" one. That's hilarious.
Conversation between my friend and her mom. My friends name is Julie
Julie: Baby, baby, baby, ohh!!!
(Mom walks into her room)
Mom: Are you listening to Justin Bieber?!?!?!?!?
Julie: No. I'm just watching porn.
Mom: Oh thank goodness!!!
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