Bonerkiller: He's More Scared Of This Haunted House Than I Am

When he squeezed my hand tightly while we were watching Halloween, I thought he was just flirting. When he hid his eyes with the blanket every time Mike Myers came on screen, I thought he was just trying to make me laugh. When he told me he slept with the lights on that night, I thought he was just being goofy. But tonight, in this haunted house, I suspect he's actually just a big baby.

It was his idea to come here. I assumed it was a clever way of getting me to cling to his side in terror so he could be my hero for an hour. I was ready to be his damsel in distress and we were off to a good start as he held my hand confidently and made his way bravely into the first dark doorway we encountered. But the moment a vampire popped out of a coffin, he screamed like he had Bieber fever and immediately searched for the exit.

The vampire gave me a WTF look and I just shrugged as we watched him frantically fumble around in the darkness. Before I knew it, he was pushing me into the dark ahead of him. Bitch, please. I’m not going through that hallway first: that’s his job.

He seemed to regain his composure until an angry criminal started shaking his cell bars in the next room then BOOM, he practically jumped into my arms. And I’m preeeetty sure he started crying. You do realize if we turned the lights on, we’d see some plywood, a lot of empty Red Bull cans and some teenagers with zombie makeup on, right? Scaaaaaaaary.

Doesn't he know that haunted houses are the prime time to make your move? When a girl is terrified, she’s likely to grab and grope her man wherever she possibly can to avoid contact with Barry the Convict and his jangly ball-and-chain. It’s very rare that a dude will leave a haunted house with a girl who isn’t clutching him tightly and thanking him for protecting her.

But you my friend, you’re making Chainsaw Charlie over there look pretty good right now. After all, I need a man who will chase me, not one who can’t watch "Scooby Doo" too close to bedtime. I’ll leave him here to find his own way out; I have a hot date with a serial killer.