Fuck You In The Face Because That Is The Softest Hair I've Ever Felt

I don't know if his shampoo is made of unicorn tears or what, but that is the softest fucking head of hair I've ever had the pleasure to run my fingers through. Is this even human hair? It's like running my fingers through Zeus' beard or a centaur's mane. It cannot be of this world. But it is. I pulled on it a little bit and his hair didn't budge. Shit. It IS real. 

*deeply inhales* Oh fuck. It smells good too, like moss in a Middle Earth forest. Oh god, I want to bury my face in it. Was he born with it like this or did he get a kitten belly fur transplant on the top of his head? Did he get a weave with Snuggle the Bear's hide? It's SO SOFT! It feels like an angel's chest hair or a leprechaun's armpit. It's sensational!

I scampered to his bathroom when he wasn't looking to see what kind of magical elixir he washes his hair with and to my horror, it was motherfucking WHITE RAIN! No fucking way. It can't be! I was expecting to find a special blend of Russian supermodels' spit mixed with Eskimo ear wax or some something, not the kind of shampoo you'd get at a 99 cent store. He probably funnels the real shampoo he uses into White Rain bottles to protect his secret. I'm on to him.

It doesn't matter how it gets this way, I'm just thrilled that it is. He should get it insured, like Jennifer Lopez's ass. Move over Nicholas Cage movie franchise, his insanely soft hair is the real national treasure here.