He's The Guy Who Broke Up With You? Get The Fuck Outta Here

I wrote a post a while ago called "Is He Really Going Out With Her?" Some people took it seriously and seemed genuinely distressed that I would bust on a girl's fashion choices. But, I had a lot of fun writing like a Jersey Girl/ Real Housewife so I wanted to do it again. Here, she's slamming the guy who broke her best friend's heart.   

That nerdy little puffball is the guy you've been sobbing over? That balding maniac? It's like he has Dr. Evil's left ball for a head. No way. Fuck off. And that beer belly? He looks like he swallowed Wilson from Castaway, okay? He probably swallowed it in one gulp like the snake he is.

I can't believe this guy. It's unbelievable to me. Truly. He was lucky that you gave him the time of day. He should be on his knees, thanking the gods for meeting a woman like you. And he fucked it all up. No, I'm not staring at him, I'm just in disbelief that a man who looks like THAT would dump a woman like you. Who does he think he is with that leather jacket on, Johnny Depp? Get real. 

Believe me, you have more class in one eyelash than he has in his whole lumpy body. You know what? He looks like pancake batter dribbled into a human mold. Ugh. I'm disgusted. I hope his wee wee shrivels up and falls off for what he did to you. What a disgrace.

Well, if it makes you feel better, those boxy jeans on him are irregular fit. No, I won't keep my voice down. I hope he hears me! "YOU GOT THOSE JEANS AT AN OUTLET MALL, YOU FREAKIN' APE!" Ugh. Let's get out of here. I can't even look at him. Yuck.