I was at a party recently and a friend took me aside to let me know that my problem is that I'm too nice with guys. "You should be a straight-up bitch to them," she said.
"Really, that's my problem? I'm too nice?" I repeated.
"Yes. Listen to me. I know what I'm talking about." She nodded knowingly.
Just between us, I do not think that this is my problem. This made me wonder if any of you guys ever get terrible advice about dating too. Did someone tell you to never text a guy back for 24 hours or to never accept a date for the weekend if he calls after Wednesday or something equally as arbitrary? Tell me in the comments so we can all laugh about it.
29 comments:
"Girls like nice guys"
Worst advice I've received in general:
http://www.amazon.com/Mystery-Method-Beautiful-Women-Into/dp/0312360118
Worst advice given directly to me:
"Dude, fight that guy talking to her."
These are hilarious!
"You should move to Wyoming, there's tons of girls there!"
"The more you ignore her, the crazier she'll get for you," /might/ work, provided she knows you exist to start with. If she doesn't, it's commonly called, "never meeting."
I read The Rules in college and it basically messed me up for all my 20s. The book instructed me to never show any interest in any guy ever. Now, I'm terrified of either calling a guy or initiating any sort of communication. Thanks, The Rules!
I read 'He's Just Not That Into You' and, for shame, saw the movie. I now believe that every guy is just not that into me. I'm a walking, talking SATC episode. To echo you, Anna: Thanks, He's Just Not That Into You!
"If he really likes you he will call you."
Except, not necessarily because... he could just be shy and awkward, and my problem is that I go for shy and awkward... so regardless if he likes me, he's not going to call.
Ashley, I have the SAME problem! The signs are the same if he likes me and if he doesn't like me. It's like four cars all stopping at a four-way stop sign at the same time; I don't even know how to proceed correctly.
Alright: Ashley, Anna, free tip from a shy, awkward guy. If you've exchanged phone numbers, he likes you enough that he won't mind a call or two. Obviously, don't go calling him every five minutes, but we shy guys tend not to have a problem with a girl making the first move. I'll tell you right now the only woman I've exchanged phone numbers with that I would be annoyed getting a call from right now is my boss.
I've received so much unsolicited dating advice that I have instated a rule. For every piece of unsolicited dating advice one gives me, they then have to buy me a beer. The worse the advice the more beer they have to buy me till I forget the terrible things they have said.
OMG I get told that I'm too nice ALL the time. Also "don't get your emotions involved so much." uhhh, how exactly am I supposed to snare a guy (or even get in a conversation) if I'm not allowed to be nice or emotional??
Most recently my friends have been pulling out "if he really liked you, he'd..." thanks for your support, jerks!
Anna, since I relate to everything you write about, it hardly surprises me that I've been told the same thing: I'm too nice. I actually cried the first time a dude (friend) told me that in an honest attempt to help me...I even overheard another dude later that night saying about some other girl "I had to let her go, she was too nice."
You know what? Fuck that. I would rather wait alone for a man who is secure enough to appreciate me as I am, who likes being treated nicely, and who doesn't get a false sense of achievement from winning a bitchy girl. Bitches are insecure and NOT NICE and no one likes them. So immature dudes who can't see through the facade can knock themselves out. In the end, they have some chick who didn't mind playing mean head games in order to win some dumbass dude who fell for her manipulation. Or who thinks he's a winner because he "got" her. Reeeeal healthy.
The ONLY dating advice I've ever received was from my older sister: "Never date a guy that drives an El Camino." In the 90's, that was spot on. But now it's a classic car, so I'm not sure what to think.
What @Dan said! I'm one of those shy guys, too. It really works for me when she makes the first move. Call me... if you can find me!
"Don't email/gchat/text with him until you've been seeing him for at least a month."
"Let him reach out to you a couple of times before you return his call/text him back."
"Ignore him until he gives you a reason to pay attention."
This advice is from three different friends, none of which have been single at any point in the last 5 years. I'm not sure where the "limit communication" logic comes from, but I HATE it. And, uh, how am I supposed to internet date if I'm only allowed to talk to dudes in person and make plans over the phone like it's 1982?
The other one I hate is "work on being happy with just you." You know what? I've been single and independent for a long time, and I'm great at it. I'm trying to find room in my life for more than "just me" so telling me to be more self-absorbed seems counter-productive.
I had a friend in high school like that who would usually give a variation on, "Don't let a guy know that you like him and put up as many walls and obstacles as possible so that he really has to work to go out with you. That way you know he really wants it."
Here's why that doesn't work: if you give off the vibe that you're not interested, then that perfectly cute, well-adjusted guy will likely take the hint and back off. The other side of the coin is that usually the guys that don't realize or care that you're putting up roadblocks are the exact assholes you don't want to date.
In the end, isn't it just easier to be interested and see where it goes?
This friend also kept telling me to never go out with someone unless I had a Plan B person.
Another thing people always tell me is that I should give nerdy/geeky guys a chance because they're better "husband material." I'm sorry to generalize here, but in my experience, usually nerdy/geeky guys are a pain in the ass to date because they're extremely set in their ways. It's a nightmare!
They don't want to go the places I like, they don't want to hang with my friends, and they don't want to compromise on ANYTHING. Not to be a dick, but for the most part, they're brats. They might give the appearance of being open to new things at first because they're trying to go with the flow, but once they get comfortable with me and feel like they don't have to woo my anymore, they are stubborn as hell.
I'm probably gonna inspire a lot of hate mail with this comment but whatever. I'm just tellin' it like it is.
I'm sure people will write saying, "My husband/ boyfriend/ whatever" is a geek and he rules! I'm sure that's true, I'm just saying that in MY EXPERIENCE this is what I've seen. I'm sure your dude is the exception to the rule.
I get told that I'm too picky. I have no rules for looks, age, degrees, nothing so I'm not quite sure where this comes from. I once went on a date with a man who told me he didn't go to college because he believes the world is going to end in 2012 and he didn't want to waste any time. It makes me cranky just thinking about it.
Speaking as someone who just can't seem to pine for the nice guys, I would like to say something on behalf of my people. There is nothing wrong with being "too nice," but at the same time you cannot help it if you do not feel drawn to someone's extreme agreeability, no matter how admirable. It's no different than not being attracted to someone because they have bad teeth. If you're not into it, you're not into it. I have no desire for someone to change his ways and treat me like garbage. I just want him to look for dates elsewhere.
That said... I'm always told to give the nice guy a chance. And in the end, all you're doing is stringing him along which is no better than rejecting him straight up because you know he's "too nice" for you.
"Wet Hot American Summer" sighting! Fantastic. Very little on this planet is funnier than Paul Rudd being forced to pick up his slammed-down tray of food.
Justin! This is for you.
That was lovely.
"Dude, you're too nice, she won't want to talk to you."
Well how the hell do you or I know this if we haven't talked to her.
As a shy guy (to begin with. I open up very well), if I'm actually considering talking to someone, don't bring me down.
"Too nice" is just code. It really means other things.
my dad told me never date a guy who won't come up to the door and knock on it to pick u up!
a friend once told me either date a guy who (at least)- has a car or a job. but never one who has neither!
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