Bonerkiller: Guys Who Talk During The Movie

I will chuck him clear across this theater with zero hesitation

Warning: chatty people in the movies turn me into the Hulk. Consequently, I will fucking sock his nose if he tries to talk to me during this film. I didn't pick out which movie I wanted to see, figure out when and where it's playing, decide on which showing to attend, get in my freezing car and drag my ass down to this theater to listen to his constant narration! He isn't Ron Howard and this isn't an episode of Arrested Development; there's no narration needed here. This is a narration-free zone. 

I swear to god, if he leans in and whispers in my ear more than once about anything happening on-screen, I will take this medium-sized bag of popcorn and jam it up his goddam piehole. He'll be sneezing popcorn for the next five years if he doesn't shut his trap on the double.

And, I don't care if it's just the previews! Once the lights dim, his mouth needs to stop moving. Sure, this is a highly-edited three-minute preview of a movie I probably won't see unless I'm hungover on a Sunday sometime in 2014 and it's playing on one of several Cinemax channels, but whatever. Once we hear that old guy say in the preview,  "In a time when," he needs to relegate his mouth to Jujufruit chewing and Diet Coke sipping and THAT'S IT!