Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Shitty, Thin Bath Mat

I wanna kick this ugly bath mat in the dick

Well, that's a rough looking bath mat. I didn't realize that such a small patch of fabric could be so depressing! It's the Patch Adams movie of fabric patches. I don't wanna step on it which is lame because that's its only job: to be stepped on. That's even more depressing! It's matted and dirty and thin, like how the Les Miserables girl looks. What's her name? Eponine? Man, she was pathetic. She gave her life for some guy who friend-zoned her. Not smart, lady. Not. Smart.

Anyhoo, his bath mat sucks. It's more trampled than the front row at a free Justin Bieber concert. Sure, having this shitty mat is better than stepping onto his crusty, cracked bathroom tile floor but it's not that much better. The thing is musty and stiff and there's zero shag to it. And, it never completely dries. It just stays sorta damp forever. That's not natural and I don't trust it.

Here's the thing: I've experienced great bath mats before; ones that feel like your toes are being greeted by a warm, friendly dog; ones that conform to my foot like I'm stepping into a vat of velvety cookie dough. So the fact that this bath mat is so lackluster is a major bummer. And, that just makes me sad.