Doogie Horner rules. He's seriously the funniest dude on the planet (or at least in the Philadelphia tri-state area.) You might remember him from America's Got Talent where he made Piers Morgan crack a smile. He also wrote a book about flowcharts. And, now I've pinned him down and grilled him about dating habits even though he's married. See?
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| Photo by Jonathan Pushnik |
SK: What's your idea of a perfect date?
Doogie: The 24-hour horror movie marathon Exhumed Films curates once a year at the International House. My wife and I go every year, and look forward to it ALL YEAR. The marathon is fun, but it's getting harder to stay up all night. Last year my little brother came along and brought his girlfriend, but he ate a Wawa pepperoni shorti and an entire box of Entenmann's doughnuts and got violently ill so I don't think he'd agree that it was a perfect date. Also he missed Maximum Overdrive because he had to leave early.
SK: What do most guys do wrong when they're out with a girl?
Doogie: This is a hard question for me to answer because I haven't dated in so long. I seem to remember that it's a huge mistake when you're on a first date to say that you don't like Bell Biv DeVoe. Also you should be careful what you write on a girl's Trapper Keeper, because that ink is permanent. Also if a girl punches you, it means she likes you. Don't pull her ponytail, give her a dandelion.
SK: What's the worst thing a girl can do on a date?
Doogie: Get mouthy? Ha ha ha! I'm hilarious. Can you imagine how insufferable I'd be on a date? It would be torture. Ah, the worst thing a girl can do on a date. I don't know. Here's a short list:
1. Talk about her ex
2. Show you a picture of her ex
3. Bring her ex along and force you to sit on his lap during dinner
4. Kick you in the shins throughout dinner
5. Steal food off your plate
6. Key your car
7. Lick your dog's teeth
8. Dare you to lick your dog's teeth, and then call you a coward when you refuse
9. Make you sit out in the car while she robs a bank, but then only give you 30% of the money even though really you deserve at least 40-45%.
10. Refuse to pay for your student loans.
SK: Tell us a secret!
Doogie: I'm a robot.
SK: What advice would you give a younger version of yourself about dating?
Doogie: You know, I wouldn't give my younger self any dating advice. It all worked out in the end, so I guess I did it right. Maybe I'd tell past me to break up with a few girls a little sooner than I did. It would've been nice to avoid some of those end games. The last couple months of a relationship can be rough. I could've been playing Mario Kart instead of arguing.
SK: What would you put on a mix tape for a guy that you liked?
Doogie: Ah, hmmm. A little Art Blakey, a little Jimmy Smith. Mostly hard bop, I guess. I would like to include a track from Bitches Brew, but since most of them are 20 minutes I probably wouldn't. Ben Folds's cover of "In Between Days." Some Graham Parsons, some Townes Van Zandt, and Radiohead's "A Drunken Punchup at a Wedding."
Hard bop? Is that even a recognized genre of music? I gotta look that up. Click
here to watch him do comedian-type things which is a great way to spend an afternoon. Also, he's
@DoogieHorner on Twitter and you should follow him immediately.
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