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| This USED to be me! |
He's well-read and has a great vocabulary? He's probably married with a baby on the way, right? He likes Black Sabbath, keeps his car clean, and has a cool sister? What's the catch? There has to be a catch. There always is.
He probably has bad breath and snores like a mofo. Or he doesn't pay his taxes. Or he's still hung up on his ex-girlfriend who wants nothing to do with his crazy ass. Or my friend has already dated him and apparently he's terrible in bed. Or he's dating six other girls and is just pretending to be emotionally available. Or he doesn't know how to drive. Or he's racist. Or he's so set in his ways that he's totally unwilling to go anywhere or try anything new. Or he hates children. Or he hates cats. Or he hates children when they play with cats or something equally bizarre.
No guy can possibly be this wonderful. There has to be a catch! It's only a matter of time until it's revealed. I'm already bracing myself for it.
I wish I wasn't so jaded when it comes to dudes. I don't know how to become un-jaded. I wish I could look into his eyes and my first thought wouldn't be, "How and when will you disappoint me?" Any ideas about ways to cure my jadedness? I'm open to suggestions!
11 comments:
Been there. Got over it, but I don't know how. It just happened.
Short of imagining some hypothetical random stranger somehow unexpectedly reaching you in some previously unknown magical way, I can't think of the right answer.
But you're asking the right questions, at least.
I'm not sure you can cure it. I tend to think it's more about cultivating an understanding of and relationship with your own jadedness. I found myself, at 31, divorcing from a fairly emotionally and psychologically abusive man who I managed to waste the better part of a decade with. (Yeah, I seem to prefer to learn the best lessons in life the hard way.) This was less than two years ago. I hated, so much, that hard, unrelenting dark place inside me that said: EVERYONE IS A SHITBAG AND I WILL NEVER FIND SOMEONE GOOD. And guess what? It's still there. But it's different. This is what has given me some solace: People will disappoint you. Choose to love people, and they will disappoint you. We experience disappointment in all of our close relationships to one degree or another, at one time or another. Some disappointments are severe, some are not. The guy I'm seeing now, I FULLY expect him to disappoint me. It's gonna happen. It might be tomorrow, it might take years. And to be fair, I could disappoint him. It's weird, but I can live with that. It takes a lot of the power away, I think. It dissolves a lot of that pressure, like, "Ok, THIS time it's gonna be SO MEGA AWESOME DIFFERENT and no dude will EVER hurt me or annoy me or leave his socks all over the floor AGAINNN." It will be different, but it won't be perfect. I can't un-jade myself, and I refuse to rake myself over the coals for being so jaded. I know too much, and I plain got tired of trying to make my brain forget that people--sometimes--are royal level 5 dicks. I've seen some shit. You have, too. Own it. Just don't let it eat you alive.
If you can't change your state of mind....move out of state. Move out of the country. Change everything. Chaos is opportunity - sounds like an intro business class but seriously. If you can't move yourself- how are you going to move 30+ years of your mind? The answer is sometimes you can't and you just have to leave it behind. PS they invented the internet you won't miss anyone. is it known.
Ask him if he objects to contraceptives, abortion, or gay marriage. Then take out a ruler and ask him to de-trouse.
To the person who suggested moving out of the country - Yikes! You have got to be kidding! I mean, come on, being jaded is not THAT bad, it's not like you're Jerry Sandusky's wife or something like that.
Anyway - I am so jaded as well. But I think I'd rather be jaded than how I was when I was a little younger, thinking that every single guy I went on a date with was my future husband. I think having lower expectations is way better than having high expectations. Assume that you'll find out that they aren't perfect, but just keep the hope that someday you'll find someone whose faults you can deal with because the important stuff is right on. Like... he snores like a mofo, BUT looks like Michael J Fox = score.
Right. Good advice, Mo!
Answer: Focus on the good facets you have already found and those you have yet to find.
There's a big difference between "jaded" and "realistic." I think when you're "jaded," it's when you've got someone who you KNOW in other circumstances you'd be genuinely excited about, but right this second you're thinking "Oh what the fuck ever. Yeah, yeah, you're wonderful and blah blah blah, but I just can't be bothered." By contrast, when you're just being realistic, you might find yourself saying "Wow! This person's pretty cool! But let's bear in mind that it could all fall apart tomorrow. That's certainly happened before. Still, what the hell! Let's go for it!"
You can be both realistic and upbeat at the same time. But if you're jaded -- where you simply lack any kind of excitement -- then you've got an issue.
In my experience, when I'm jaded, I'm basically unable to get excited over someone for whom I objectively recognize I'd be at least a LITTLE excited under other circumstances. Sometimes that's just because of where I am in my head, sometimes it's because of that plus the other person just not having enough "oomph" to them to hold my interest.
In either case, only two things will usually snap me out of it: (1) taking a break, or (2) meeting someone who seems truly awesome. Taking a break sort of lets me get back to "baseline" where I think I can decide fairly whether this other person is actually cool. Meeting someone awesome can hasten that.
Regardless, if you're not there right now, I wouldn't force it. Maybe explain to this dude that you're really jaded and kind of exhausted from the dating process, and you want to give him a fair chance, so maybe you could have an indefinite rain check for dinner. If you get in touch later, then you probably were just in a weird spot. If you don't, well, chances are you weren't THAT interested in him to begin with. I can't speak for anyone else, but if I heard that from a girl, and she actually DID get back to me later, I'd give it a shot if I dug her.
He's probably married with a baby on the way, right? He probably has bad breath and snores like a mofo. Or he doesn't pay his taxes. Or he's still hung up on his ex-girlfriend who wants nothing to do with his crazy ass. Or my friend has already dated him and apparently he's terrible in bed. Or he's dating six other girls and is just pretending to be emotionally available. Or he doesn't know how to drive. Or he's racist. Or he's so set in his ways that he's totally unwilling to go anywhere or try anything new. Or he hates children. Or he hates cats. Or he hates children when they play with cats or something equally bizarre.
Other than the bad breath (they are trainable and especially if they have been undomesticated for any length of time they may not even be aware of where on the scale of bad breath to dragon hallitosis they are) or the snoring (which can have medical causes, such as sleep apnea and if you did find a keeper wouldn't you want him around for as long as possible, especially if a side effect is less or no snoring) or the terrible in bed part (again, they are trainable, just ... gently ...) none of these look like jaded, they look like rather reasonable standards ...
Now if you think that EVERY man you meet is going to display one or more of the nasty traits above then that is something that you will need to work on, either by yourself, with an undercover spy from the other side (a gay friend or a brother) or with some therapy ... otherwise just be honest with them and yourself and take a break from dating and from the pressure to find the right one before either you become bitter or the search for "Mr Right" becomes the search for "Mr Right Now"
Good call. I hear what you're saying. In fact, I have taken a step back from dudes lately. It's good for my soul. Plus, I'm roughly a million times more productive without some ding dong vying for my attention. It's better for all involved!
Taking a break could be an option if you feel jaded...sounds like Anna may have experienced some benefits as a result of doing just that. While on break, try reading a book entitled "Singlism," written by Bella DePaulo. It's a major eye opener on many levels -- you may realize by the end that you are truly okay being without that other person you're currently on a quest to find. Further, I believe that once you've read the book, you may realize you could be a much more productive citizen absent the quest for a significant other -- more free mind space. I personally understand that jaded state you speak of, and it can be damaging over time if you do not take time out to do a self inventory. In the end you may realize you're searching for the wrong thing...You may not want all the drama involved in a relationship, such as all those "what if" questions you pose to yourself up front -- EXHAUSTING!!!
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