Bonerkiller: He's In An Adult Clique

Add a secretary and a sports fan to the mix
and we're gettin' close

I found out very quickly that his social life is a paradox: it's both small and large because he only hangs out with the same eight people. Constantly. That's all he does! Homeboy is in an adult clique. It's clear that dating him is a package deal because if I wanna kick it with him, I'm gonna have to tolerate this gang of slightly boring people.

Alright, that sounds mean. I guess his crew is nice enough. It's a mix of a few married couples sprinkled in amongst a few chronically single friends. But, I'm telling you, they do everything together. They have elaborate mimosa-filled brunches, they flop around the same few bars year after year, and they even have friendsgivings. It's like he's a featured player in an NBC ensemble comedy or some shit. I guess that makes me the woman he dates for a three-episode arc. Great.

It's a big deal to introduce me to his crew. It's bigger than introducing me to his family. Because if his crew doesn't like me, well, I'm pretty much fucked. I have to blend in with this gaggle seamlessly or my days are numbered. Let's meet them:

• The uptight social director. She's the one who finds the restaurants the group HAS to try (ugh! I hate group dinners especially in busy restaurants on a Saturday night). She's the first one to send mass email invites for any holiday-themed parties she hosts at her house. She talks about getting into scrapbooking if she had the time and she can't hold her alcohol well. Seriously, she has two martinis then has to be carried home.   


• Up to two newlywed couples who try to act like they're not a boring married couple so they hang out all the time even though if I were married I sure as shit wouldn't want to slink around a dingy dive bar on a Friday night, especially if I have a brand-new TV in my recently-purchased home.


• The boring guy who doesn't really have any personality except he likes sports. He gets really nervous if we're ever left alone for some reason. He'll try to think of something to talk to me about as his eyes dart around the room. After a few aborted attempts at conversation, he'll eventually give up and just leave under the guise of grabbing a new beer from the fridge.  


• The funny single guy who only picks lame girls to date so I have to make small talk with them when they're brought into the fold. I like him the best. He's the only one I'll be friendly with after my dude and I bite the dust. 


• The boring girl who drinks cheap beer, never talks about her family and is a secretary I think but I could be wrong. I always forget her name so I have to say things like, "Hey, you! Is that a new sweater? I love the color on you," which is really bad of me, I know. Her Instagram makes me yawn.  

They're all okay, I guess, but they're certainly not at the top of the list of people I want in my face every goddamn weekend for the rest of my life. It gets old! I'm basically in a nine-way relationship.

When we break up, it won't just be awkward with him, it'll be awkward with the entire crew. They'll ignore me for up to two years afterwards. Actually, that's not true. Maybe one of the married couples will give me a quick nod if I run into them squeezing avocados at Whole Foods. The funny single guy will definitely give me a hug if I run into him. But, I know that they'll report back to my now-ex that we crossed paths so that annoying thought gets to swim around my head for a few hours. It's just so weird.

Adult cliques: ew!