Bonerkiller: Fist-Bumpers

From Adrian, who did the smirk ' n' jerk at his offer to head to fist-bumptown:

I had been hardcore Facebook-chatting with this dude from a different part of the state. We had multiple conversations from exes to fluffernutter sandwiches. And I would see him often as he played shows with his band in my town just about every month. He always invited me to dinner with his band every time they were in town, made sure I was coming to the shows, etc.  

Eventually, my big night came when he wanted to go to Waffle House with me, alone, no less! No, hanger-on band buddies, girls I didn’t know, or weirdos from the shows. I was doing the Carlton dance inside my head. In retrospect, Waffle House should've been my first red flag. It wasn't nearly as fancy as the Indian and Chinese buffet places I had been with his band. Nonetheless, I was totally jazzed about being on a solo excursion with Dude. We were going to be eating alone for Pete's sake!

I pulled out all my good jokes and most interesting conversation skills during our late night dinner of breakfast foods. Things were going well, I was sure. There was even a fight outside the Waffle House while we were eating. We lived through a potentially dangerous situation together! That’s a bonding experience, right?  

So after a couple of chocolate milks over hash browns and eggs, we made our way back to where the band was staying. I could feel the anxiety creeping up from my full stomach to my dry throat as I pulled the car to the curb. It was going to happen. The anticipation of K-I-S-S-I-N-G was too much. Here I was waiting for a big smoocheroo, sweaty palms and all.  

I'm lucky I didn't actually close my eyes or I would've Frenched his damn fist. It was like my eyes couldn’t process what they were seeing as his fist hovered above my car console. He was fist-bumping me? What was I supposed to do with that? It was then that I realized we were totally friends in his eyes. Ugh. Although, I've considered that since he was a few years younger than me, maybe he thinks fist-bumping is foreplay for some sort of unusual act later? Wishful thinking? Maybe.

The only acceptable time to fist-bump a guy is after agreeing on which items to get for dinner and before you look around for your waiter to place the order. End of list.