Things in His House That Make Me Sad: His Lack of Glassware

When I asked him for a glass of water and he handed me a shitty red Solo cup, I took a preemptive pause and a deep breath before gingerly bringing the plastic cup to my lips. This, combined with the paper-plated Hamburger Helper resting precariously on my lap, was not doing him any favors in the Pleasure Town department. Have I mentioned that we weren't at a backyard BBQ yet? No, we were in the middle of his kitchen. Why we were eating off the type of plates sold in the same aisle as toilet paper, I had no idea.

Fuck these dishes in their plastic face!

I'm not a religious person, but I started praying like hell that he wasn't still using the same cups from college and just givin' 'em a spin through the dishwasher every now and then. (Confession: I washed solo cups in the dishwasher in college. It wasn't acceptable then and it sure as hell isn't now.)

How does a grown-ass man, with a grown-ass job not own real cups and plates? His reply, "These do the trick." They most certainly DO NOT, my friend. I think surely he owns at least a few real cups and plates. I flung open the first cabinet to my right and what did I find? Paper cups, napkins, and plastic silverware. It looks like he just raided some poor family's Saturday picnic spread. Someone--an ex-girlfriend, his mother--must have purchased him at least one IKEA dish set at some point in his life, right? RIGHT?

I start flinging open cabinets like I was expecting to find Ryan Gosling hiding within, but instead all I saw were assorted items not even meant for the kitchen. One cabinet was actually full of paperwork! Paperwork for Christ's sake! Does he not own a desk? A filing cabinet? A binder left over from his 10th grade history project? Maybe if he actually had room available in his kitchen cabinets, more kitchen-like items would exist there.

Instead, when all was said and done and the Hamburger Helper was getting cold and all the cabinets had been thrown open, I'd found a total of six shot glasses in his kitchen. That was the extent of his glassware: six shot glasses, all with stupid sayings written on them like, "It's Beer o'clock" and that "One Tequila, Two Tequila" crap and that just makes me sad.